Walk For Hope

I have started walking to work again and it is amazing how quickly you begin to feel better!  The body can be so quick to forgive the transgressions committed against it.   Nobody would look at me today and say "wow, you've lost weight."   But I am beginning to feel hope that I can do it and that I can regain my youthful figure, yet once again!   Actually, the "youthful figure" thing is not what I'm after, since my youthful figure was never anything to celebrate.   Instead, I am going for the "healthy, fit and feeling great" look.   I am feeling motivated by hope today!       

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother

I had to stay late at work yesterday (which, by the way, totally goes against everything I stand for!!).   A local organization's board members wanted to use our conference room to meet . . . so I got the honors of babysitting them for a few hours :)   I used my time wisely, however.   I watched "Heavy" on my computer.   If you have never seen it, it's a show that chronicles the transformation of food-addicted obese people over a 6 month period as they try to lose weight and gain their life back.  It was really inspiring, and I saw myself in there a few times.  In the beginning, the fear of success.   (That is hard for some people to understand - - I, personally, am a self-destructor.   As soon as I get close to a goal, a timer in my brain goes off and I self-destruct.  I am still trying to figure that one out.)    Since most of the people on "Heavy" have been inactive for years, they struggle to exercise (and even just to breathe and walk) in the beginning.  And their trainers and nutritionists, who obviously are there for the physical transformation, are joined by a  therapist, who is there to help them sort through their other issues.  Yes, most weight issues are more mental than physical, and when you finally get that and can deal with the things that cause you to become addicted, and then reprogram your brain, success follows.   Then you see the absolute deep-down joy that comes from stepping on the scale and seeing those pounds drop off.   And being able to see, finally, how good life can be.  Because along with the pounds, self-defenses, self-hatred and all those other bad things drop off also.   At the end of the show, Rickywayne (from Texas, duh), who lost something like 150 pounds in six months, said, "There is value to life when you take charge of it."   Amen to that, brother.

A Hot Sweaty Mess

Well, I walked to work this morning.   Since we let our son take our only decent car with him when he moved, I kind of didn't have a choice.  Well, unless I wanted to take what our daughter calls our "purple ghetto van."  No, thanks.   It's about a 2 mile walk to work, and it was hot.  H.O.T.  The sun was at my back, and I could feel my back dripping.   Lovely.   I was a hot sweaty mess when I got to work.   But it felt good.  And I work in the basement away from everybody else, so who cares?!   I read on the internet a while back that the way you walk says a lot about your health.   For instance, if you have a short stride, it usually means that you don't move your arms as much.  And moving your arms while you walk is a good thing.  But since I have to hold my ipod in my hand (it's part of my iphone), I can't really move my arms very much because I would probably strangle myself with my ear phones.  (I tried putting my iphone in my purse but with each step my iphone and hip would meet and my songs would jump around.)   And as far as walking fast, I think I'm a pretty slow to medium paced walker.    BUT, my point is . . . I walked to work!!!!   And I think I will walk home, too - - I'm starting to get in the groove again!

Armed and Ready!

Okay, I am energized this morning.   Armed and ready to begin that journey back to health and self-confidence!  I have two months before my son gets married.   I can make great strides in two months.   I have lost 30 pounds in two months before.  But for me, it's not really about the pounds or the scale.   It's just feeling more happy and healthy and confident.  And everyday I get on the treadmill, I feel happier.   So, get ready Harry Potter!   You and I have some work to do!!    Oh, Harry Potter, you ask?   When I lost weight a couple of years ago, Harry was my companion on that journey.  Every day for almost two years, he and I would do the treadmill together.   Well, I would really do all the work.  Harry would be on the DVD player.   I watched him every single day (except Sunday) - - I saw each movie dozens of times.   Sounds crazy, I know.   But we all do what we have to do.   And now Harry and I are like this - -

How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count The Ways

Okay, so I reread my last post and it sounded a little harsh.  And a little judgmental.  Shame on me.  I still don't think you should treat your children as slaves, and that you should do whatever it takes to learn to love yourself . . . but who am I to talk?   If you asked my children, they would tell you that I was ALWAYS ordering them around - - you know, "clean your room", "do your homework", "don't leave dishes on the floor", "go to bed"  (I was a really mean mom.)   And I certainly don't always love myself.  I (we) need to learn that I (we) am (are) love-worthy at 140 pounds . . . or 240 pounds . . . or 540 pounds.  It shouldn't matter.   But somehow it does.   I think there are probably lots of things about me that are lovable, but when I look in a mirror, all I see is someone who is out of control and waiting for that "ah ha" moment when I begin to take control again of my life.   But you know, sometimes waiting is not good enough.   Sometimes we need to create our own "ah ha" moment.   I think I'll work on that.

Love yourself

Waiter, There's A Fly In My French Fries

I went to a baseball game last night and sat behind two obese women.  One was larger and younger than the other.  She was probably in her 30s - I'll call her Trixie.  Trixie brought her own personal waiter with her . . . her son, who looked about 11 or 12.  She kept handing him money and sending him off to the concessions stand.  A couple of times he came back with huge (and I mean HUGE) containers of french fries (which, I will admit, looked pretty good).   And once Trixie gave her son a tip - - "Don't ever bring me something I didn't order!!!"  That made her son cry.   That made me sad . . . and mad.  I wanted to say, "Woman, go get your own food and stop making your son feel bad and worthless because he got you lemonade instead of Pepsi!  You can certainly use the exercise!!"  That boy loved his mother.  He wanted to please her.  And for that moment Trixie made him feel like a failure - - all because she's fat and has no self-esteem.  And YES, I DID get all of that just from sitting behind them at a baseball game.  Fat people are fat for a reason - - and it's usually because they don't love themselves.  Which usually means they lack self-esteem and have very little self-worth.  (If a skinny person were to say that, I'd be livid - - but I've earned the right because I've been there.) 

Get off your butt, learn to love yourself, and be happy!!    (And treat your son like a son instead of like a waiter.)

Life is Good

I just heard that phrase on the radio . . . "Life is good."   And I thought  - - is it?  Is it really?  We are almost empty nesters (Sadville here we come) and, in the process, are going broke setting our children up in their new lives.   It wouldn't be so bad, I guess, if they left intermittently . . . like a year apart or something . . . but they are all leaving at the same time.   That new car that we really need?   All I can say is that it's a good thing my husband bought a scooter to take to work.   New carpet in the basement?   Not now.  Visiting the family in California?   Not any time soon. (Now THAT one really makes me sad.)  Steak and lobster for dinner tonight?   Sorry, it's gonna be ground beef.   So, is life really good?   YES!!  Yes it is!   Our children are healthy and happy and so excited about their futures!   We all have roofs over our heads and food to eat.   We love each other and LIFE IS GOOD!!! 

And . . . now I can move the treadmill upstairs into our daughter's soon-to-be empty bedroom and maybe that will motivate me to actually get on it more often!   Life IS good, and I am excited about it!   I am excited to get into shape and feel good about myself and spend more time with my husband!   So, is life good?    LIFE IS GREAT!!!!!
    

Take Me Out To The Ball Game

Tonight is the last game of the season for our local baseball team.   The season has been fun.   I haved loved the crack of the bat since I was a little girl.  I grew up in Anaheim and loved my California Angels.  I  spent a lot of summer days and nights at the Big A.  I even worked for the scouting director of the Angels when I was older and I got to rub shoulders with Nolan Ryan and Frank Robinson.  Really.  It's true.    Anyway, part of the whole ballpark experience, no matter what level of play and no matter what sport, is the food.    Whether it's hot dogs, peanuts, nachos . . . whatever . . . it all tastes better at the ball field!    I wish that I were thin.   Or at least didn't gain weight just by THINKING of food.   I wish that I would never have to worry about a pair of pants fitting.   I think somehow that would make the game AND the food more enjoyable.  Sigh.

By the way, I really really despise the name "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" - - it's an insult to all of us Orange Countians and whoever approved that stupid name should be fired  :)

Temporary Home . . . Keep Reminding Me Of That

Besides being a junk food addict, I am also an emotional eater.   My 20 year old is moving out of the house in a week.   Two hours away.   My husband has always said he is my clone.   We have a special connection.  All weekend long I was breaking into spontaneous crying.  Everytime one of my children or my husband passed me, they would hand me a kleenex.  Everytime I passed the kitchen, I would go to the fridge, open it, see what was there and, seeing nothing (my children are always telling me we never have anything to eat), I would move on.    I walked to work this morning.  I have lots of happy songs on my ipod.  EVERY SINGLE SONG this morning made me want to cry.   "Temporary Home," by Carrie Underwood.   "Bless the Broken Road," by Rascal Flatts.  "I Don't Want To Live Without You," by Foreigner.    OH MY GOSH!!!!   All I could do was think, "I hope there's chocolate at work."   (There isn't.)   I will get through this.  This is what we raise our children for . . . to be independent and good citizens and to be able to stand on their own.   He isn't leaving our family, he is just leaving the house.    Now, please excuse me while I go cry.  But first, I think I'll go get a peanut butter chocolate shake - - I don't care if it IS only 8:30 in the morning :)

Do I Point My Toes Up or Down?

I woke up very suddenly this morning, jolted out of bed, silently screaming and openly crying . . . CRAMP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!     My son used to play football and his calves used to cramp up on him at least once a game.   He'd be running down the field with the football . . . 50, 40, 30 yards to go . . . the crowd would be yelling and jumping up and down . . . and then . . . BAM!  He'd be lying prone, grasping the field with his fists and ripping out clumps of grass.  The opposing players would be quietly cheering . . . our players would be thinking "Oh man, not again!"  The trainer would run out onto the field, grab his leg, lift it up and stretch it out.   This would go on for a few minutes, and then they'd help him off the field where he stretched on the sidelines for a few more plays.  And then back in.  Every. Single. Game.

Oh how I wished I had had a trainer this morning!   Or drugs.  It was EXCRUTIATING!   I forgot - - - do I point my toes down or do I point my toes up??   I guess it didn't really matter because I was in so much pain that I couldn't point either way.   It was a few minutes before the pain subsided and I was able to wipe the tears away and apologize to my husband for my swear words (just kidding).   But it hurt that much!   So, I googled to find out the causes of leg cramps.  If you are dehydrated, you can cramp up.  If you are not getting enough rest, you can cramp.  Over exercising can cause cramps.  (Um, yeah, think I can cross that one off my list.)  Vitamin deficiencies, low blood salt.   If you are pregnant, you cramp more easily.   Okay, okay.  So, basically ANYTHING can cause a leg cramp.    So, what can you do to prevent leg cramps?   Well, drink water, get enough rest, don't over exercise,  . . . you get the picture. 

I guess the lesson I will take from this experience is this . . . there are some things that you just have to go through.  No matter how much you do to prevent things happening . . . sometimes they just happen.  And sometimes it hurts.  A lot.  You can cry and moan about it (a little crying and moaning is okay, just not for the rest of your life), or you can work your way through it, learn from it, and move on.  I don't look very attractive when I cry, so I think I'll choose to learn and move on :)    

P.S.  Try bananas and Gatorade.

Please pass the Hersheys

Okay, so I think I've finally figured out that I'm not really a food addict - - I mean like a "real" food addict (you know, breakfast, lunch, dinner - - meat, eggs, stuff that could actually be good for you if eaten in moderation).   I am more a junk food junkie.  Food that can in no way be good for you and can in no way be eaten in moderation.  Yup, that's me.  Give me a bag of Lay's potato chips and ice cream, and I am in heaven.   My breakfast used to consist of Diet Pepsi and chocolate.   I gave up caffeine a few years ago and I am telling you that caffeine-free Diet Pepsi is not quite the same.  But it still makes a pretty good breakfast.  Given the choice of a nice dinner at a nice restaurant or a humongous hot fudge sundae from anywhere, I would 9 out of 10 times choose the ice cream . . . duh!   It's something in my brain, I am sure of it.  A real disorder.   I think I need to be hypnotized, or lobotomized (not really), but something's gotta give.    

A Lesson Learned

You all mistake what you assume They never left the dining room

You know how we all know people or have friends and, just because we know them or just because they are our friend, we think we actually know them??   I was talking to a friend yesterday and she said something that made me stop and really think.  She told me that she was reading my blog.   Then she said - - "Wow, I thought I knew Judy!"   We've known each other for ten years, but how much do we really know each other?   I keep my feeings about my weight struggles (and other things) inside.  This is the first time I've ever shared my innermost feelings.  And the easiest way for me to express myself is through writing.   There was no way for my friend to know that part of me until now.  There are a bazillion things about each one of us that others don't know.   Maybe it's time to share.  Maybe it's time to ask.  Maybe it's time to stop judging. 

Someone wise once said (paraphrasing) that "just because you know me today do not think you will know me tomorrow, as I am always changing."    It would be wonderful if we could all get to know each other really well, to be able to read each other's thoughts and know each other's feelings.   If you're lucky, you will find that wonderful, magical friendship with someone and really KNOW them.   Most likely, though, the relationships and friendships we make throughout our lives will be more casual.   I think the gift we should give to each other is to not ASSUME we know each other . . . but REALLY share and ask :)

P.S.  I'm going to buy diet pills tomorrow - - don't judge me :)