This subject came up a couple of times this weekend with different family members, so I thought it might be worth a mention.
Has someone ever asked you a question, simple as it might have been, and then didn't really listen to your answer? You could see in their eyes that they were not listening to you -- that they didn't care about what you were saying. They were probably calculating what they were going to say as soon as you stopped talking. Because, as we all know, what they have to say is so so much more interesting and important than what we have to say. Or maybe someone asked you a question that was designed, maybe subconsciously (maybe not), to lead the conversation back to themselves?
After thinking about it, I could think of a bunch of people that I know who are like that. Feigning interest in your life, they cozy on up, all sweet like, ready to pounce and start talking about themselves. If the conversation were really back-and-forth, with real interest on both sides about what the other was saying, that would be a different story. I would glady sit and listen as so-and-so regaled me with stories about their trip to Mexico and so-and-so bragged about their children and their amazingness. And I would be interested. But it should go both ways. The truth is, however, most people are very self-absorbed and don't care much what you've been up to and how you are feeling. Most people have never learned to listen. Most people don't realize that listening means loving and caring. Or they do realize that, but they only love and care about themselves. Listening is something we can all do. Really listen. Listening doesn't cost anything, except maybe an investment of time. And a whole lot of sincerity.
And on the other hand, we all need to be listened to once in a while . . . really listened to. So, if you have a friend, or spouse, or whomever, who knows how to listen - - make sure you tell them how much you appreciate their gift.
This topic sounded really familiar so I did some checking - - I wrote about this same thing back in October. Guess it must still be bothering me :) And maybe I need someone to listen to me - lol.
Random thoughts of a girl who used to try to fit in the box. Then I realized that boxes are stupid. Except this box, the one above. It's really pretty.
I'm listening .. but its really all about me and my listening .. ;-)
ReplyDeleteIf I am listening to you and you and you are listening to me who's talking? I know people that don't know how to listen, and their lives are much narrower than mine. Good topic.
DeleteI am in wholehearted agreement with this post. This is something I think about sometimes: What if the time I choose not to listen is the time that someone was really trying to open up in a way they wouldn't otherwise? Not listening has so much more of an effect on people than merely not hearing them.
ReplyDeleteYou sound sad, disappointed, and let down by some people you like. I'm sorry that's happening to you.
ReplyDeleteI think I am just a little sad that I/we/people do not live up to our potential for good. We give in too many times to the little guy on our shoulder whispering in our ear, telling us to be selfish.
DeleteSometimes people need to have a one way conversation instead of a 2 way discussion. Whatever the reason, they need to talk and talk and talk and talk. I think that's ok, so long as they take the opposite role sometimes.
DeleteI've been on both sides. I've been the person who talked nonstop and I've also been the listener in 2 to 5 hour conversations or longer. It's tiring, but when I know the other person needs it, I listen. I also have back and forth conversations.
Finding people whose communication styles match can be difficult.
I don't think it's always a choice. Some people don't have the capacity to be any other way than how they are. There are a lot of people in my life who I've written off as mentally deficient in this area. It's easier for me when I view them as mentally incapable vs a fully able adult with a choice.
totally agree that sometimes people need to talk - that's why being a good and intuitive listener is such a great skill. I also think, though, that most (not all) people have the ability to be a good listener - - if they can just get over themselves for 2 seconds. Oh well, I can only change myself and try to be a better person overall. :)
DeleteI tend to not listen more than I should. I love it when someone really listens to me. You're right, it is something to be thankful for.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Judy, did you just say something? I must have been daydreaming…(lol)
ReplyDeleteI can joke like that, because you and I have a wonderful two-way-street happening, and I value it immensely. The ability to listen and give feedback, to me, is priceless. It works both ways.
LOL - (my daughter would disown me if she saw that I just used lol).
DeleteMark, you never let me down :)
I have a friend, who, for the first couple years I knew her, amazed me because she seemed to know everyone in our neighborhood and everything about them. As I've gotten to know her better, I've realized that she's the best listener I've ever met. She ALWAYS asks questions about you and your life, rarely talking about herself. She is my inspiration.
ReplyDelete(I often find myself doing that 'glazed over'thing with my kids and am trying really hard to stop.)
I have visiting teachers who come in every month and ask the same questions about my children . . . sometimes even forgetting a name. it's a little discouraging and kind of makes me mad, which I am not proud to say.
DeleteA very good reminder. Thanks Judy!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely - people yearn to be heard - and SEEN. That has been a theme in my own life for some time now.
ReplyDeleteThis is something I try to be really aware of--the listening part--because it is so annoying and even hurtful when someone doesn't actually listen, especially when they started the line of conversation. I will confess, though, as a listener, to sometimes being easily distracted by what's going on around us, etc. When I feel it happening, it makes me feel terrible. Thanks for the reminder of how important it really is to do better.
ReplyDeleteI think I am guilty of it, but not to everyone. I tend to do it more when talking to an acquaintance and this is like the millionth time that I have heard the same story. I have noticed how easy it can become to tune it out then.
ReplyDelete