Tuesday, August 7, 2012
No Fish Will Touch These Lips
Someone made a comment on my blog yesterday about how going to Starvation Heights would be a good way to start a diet. And, I thought, yeah, it might be - - except for the dying and being thrown off a cliff thing. That would suck. But it DID get me thinking. If you're like me, you're always looking for a good (easy) way to lose weight,. So, I did some research and found six diets that might work for you.
1. The Paleolithic Diet (aka the Caveman Diet). This plan is based on what humans ate about 2.5 million years ago - - fish, animals, plants. Doesn't sound too bad, right? Except for the fish part - - no fishy, smelly, squishy thing will ever pass my lips. I'm not really sure how the Caveman Diet is so different from some diets of today . . . except that we don't have dinosaurs.
2. Fletcherizing. Simply put, chewing your food. Fletcherizing is named after Horace Fletcher, a food enthusiast in the 1800s. He was nicknamed "The Great Masticator." He chewed his food exactly 32 times (about 100 times per minute) before swallowing. After chewing, you tilt your head back so the food can slide down your throat. Any leftovers? Spit 'em out. Kinda gross, but it has potential.
3. Sleeping Beauty. These dieters sedate themselves heavily for many days, so that when they wake up they're much thinner (and look exactly like Sleeping Beauty). I've often gone to bed at night and wished that I could wake up thin. Although I would want to wake up the next morning, not the next month! Plus, I'd like all my internal organs to function properly as well.
4. Tapeworm. Enough said.
5. Fruitarianism. Nothing but fruits, nuts and seeds, no meat, vegetables or grains. That doesn't sound too bad, does it?
And my personal favorite - -
6. Breatharianism. Breatharians claim that food and water aren't necessary, that you can just live on sunlight. So, just go lay out on a nice, warm, sunny beach and stay there until you're thin. Uh, really? There have never been any documented successes, but many have died trying. AND, if you don't die, you'll have a really great tan - or a deadly case of skin cancer.
You know, as much as I'd like to be thin and gorgeous, I think I will be satisfied to be normal and healthy. I mean, all these diets are really tempting (um, ick) and all, but I'll pass. Excuse me, now. I think I saw a buttermilk donut in the breakroom.