I think I can, I think I can

Okay, let me just preface this by saying that if you are naturally thin, you will not understand any of this.  To everyone else . . . welcome!

I need to keep this journal but don’t really know how to start.  So, I’ll just dive in.   I have always struggled (seems like such a mild word J) with my weight.   When I was single and living by myself, I would order a birthday cake for me (no, it wasn’t really my birthday - -  that was just a ruse) from the Knott’s Berry Farm bakery.  Which, I must say, is the most wonderful bakery EVER!     I would then take that cake back to my apartment where I could be alone.   And I would slice a big piece, making sure I had at least one full rose on it, and then I would eat.   And eat.   And eat.  The buttercream frosting was so thick and yummy, and the roses were to die for.   It was d.e.l.i.c.i.o.u.s.    Well, that first piece was delicious. . . after the first piece I’m not sure I even tasted it, I think I just ate to eat.   I would eat until I felt sick, and then I would become disgusted with myself, cry, and throw the rest away.   And vow never to do it again.  I didn’t date much in those days.  Okay, I didn’t date at all.   But I told myself I didn’t need to . . . I was having a love affair with my cake . . . and my pizza . . . and my Baskin Robbins . . . and  . . . well, you understand, I’m sure.  My weight has been up and down and then up again, and years later, down again, then months later, up again.   And so on and so on.   Fortunately for me, when I met my husband I was on a “down.”   Unfortunately for him, after we got married, I was on an “up.”  Fortunately for me, he loves me either way. 

So, fast forward . . .

 At a work Christmas luncheon about 2 ½ years ago, a co-worker was taking pictures. (I really, really hate cameras.)   A week or so later I saw one of those pictures . . . me sitting at the table with everyone else, and it was as if a lightning bolt went through my body and lodged in my brain - - I was so filled with disgust at how I looked.   I never ever thought I looked that bad.  Maybe that’s because I would do anything to avoid mirrors or ANYTHING that reflected - - sound familiar?  I cut my own hair for years because I hated sitting in a salon in front of that Big. Huge. Mirror.    Waterboarding?  A piece of cake (no pun intended).    An overweight person having to sit in front of a mirror - - now THAT is torture.  Not to mention way bad for the self-esteem J  Anyway, after seeing that picture I decided right then and there that I didn’t want to look like that anymore.   So, with that lightning bolt still embedded in my brain, I went into action . . . and I lost about 80 pounds and felt GREAT!   I was on a major “down.”   Major.  It was awesome.  Instead of dreading getting up in the morning and going to work, I was excited to get up and pick out what clothes I wanted to wear - - because for the first time in a very, very long time, I actually had a choice. . . AND . . . I looked good in clothes!!   Instead of making excuses not to go on family outings, I looked forward to them!   I was more social, more self-confident, more happy . . . life was good!    I even started running with my daughter, which was great!

Drum roll . . . .

THEN . . . last November I got sick and couldn’t exercise for a few weeks.   Sigh.  That was the beginning of the “up.”   To make a long, sad story short . . . I have gained back the weight and once more feel so sad and like such a loser.  I don’t like myself.    All I do is sit on the couch, watch TV and eat.  I am lethargic, I hate to be around people, I have no clothes to wear, I have no energy, I look terrible, and feel like a nothing.   I HATE those things!    They are BAD!   Bad things!!   Comparing how I felt the last couple of years, and how I’ve felt the last 6-7 months, well . . . it SUCKS!!!!!   So . . . 

Another drum roll . . . .

TODAY . . . I have decided that I am making another change.  It wasn’t a lightning bolt moment for me this time.  But instead I realized that I am slowly killing myself.  I am not a proponent of suicide – don’t think it’s a good idea at all . . . I don’t think it’s right when people jump out of buildings or put a gun in their mouth.   But it occurred to me the other day as I was struggling to breathe (and not to cry) as I walked up a flight of stairs - - I am doing the same thing - - I AM KILLING MYSELF!   No, I don’t plan to jump out of a window or blow my brains out (yuk).   My method of suicide is much slower (and not as messy).   I am eating myself to death.  I am lounging myself to death.   Every time I put a spoonful (it’s a VERY BIG spoon) of ice cream in my mouth, I am killing myself.  Every time I decide (make an excuse??) to lounge on the couch like a big blob of fat instead of getting on the treadmill, I am killing myself.  And every time I say, “I’ll start tomorrow,” I am killing myself.   I guess you could say that food is the gun that I am pointing to my head.

Well, today is tomorrow, and it’s time to put a stop to this madness.   I want my children to see me making strides to be happy again, and to make myself into someone they can be proud of . . . more importantly, I guess, someone that I can be proud of.  And as all of our children leave the house in a few short months, one by one, to start their own wonderful and exciting journeys of life, it will be me and my husband again . . . alone . . . in the house . . . alone . . . once again alone . . . did I say we’d be alone??    We haven’t been alone in a very, very long time.   The way I feel about myself now, it is not very exciting to think about.   But as I IMAGINE how I CAN be and how I WANT to be, I am thrilled at the thought of the two of us being alone again, after 22 years . . .  just the two of us . . . getting to know each other post-housefullofchildren, being best friends, doing fun things together, and just enjoying time together.    The best of life is yet to come!

Yet another drum roll . . .

SO, today is the day that I turn things around.  Today is the beginning of the most wonderful “down” I’ll ever have!  And I really mean it!   Struggles?  I’ll always have them.   Cake?  I’ll probably always want it.  Life?   I WANT TO LIVE IT!!!!!   Come along for the ride.